Horoscopes for May 17, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Congratulations.  You’ve reached another benchmark in your life.  Just for that, your arch-nemesis has called a truce for the day! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will finally realize that the reason that so many crazy people are attracted to you is because of your hair.  It’s like catnip for lunatics! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) If you had a nickel for every time someone looked at you and called you sexy, you might be able to put another ten minutes on your parking meter. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You may be coming into some money soon.  One of the networks wants to make you a star.  They found out how dysfunctional your life is and want to give you your own reality show.  The tentative title is “A Year in the Life of a Nobody!” Aries (March 21 – April 19) Call your lawyer.  You’re gonna need him later today. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You are so unwilling to change that you will keep ordering the number 9 even though the restaurant changed the specials. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You r life is like a cigarette…  some days you are on fire, but most days you’re the other end… and you’re stuffed in the mouth of an old woman who drools and wears way too much pink lipstick! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You are in need of animal crackers.  They will come in handy tonight.  Don’t ask.  We don’t want to spoil the surprise. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Your stars told us to tell you that they didn’t think it was fair to keep leading you on… you’re not going to win the Powerball, you’re not gonna land that awesome job that would remove you from your own personal misery and you’re gonna need to buy some cat food soon. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You really shouldn’t have taken all those No-Doz… nor should you have chased them down with that Monster energy drink.  You can feel yourself fading.   Do yourself a favor… put on some Norah Jones and sleep like the dead!  You’ll feel better tomorrow. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You’re right… Nobody knows how you feel.   Nobody in the history of mankind has ever been dumped by a one-legged, big-toothed, cross-eyed midget with twelve toes.  You truly are unique. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You can send us dead flowers to our household, send us dead flowers by the mail, you can FedEx dead flowers in the morning, but dead roses won’t get us to pay your bail! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Your grandma always told you that all that sugar would kill you.  Today, those predictions could come true.  There’s a truckload of sugar cubes that will be passing through town today…  if you get near it, fate will intervene.  Stay off the roads that trucks drive on.]]]]> ]]>