Horoscopes for May 18, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Eat your cake and ice cream and quit your complaining about getting another year older.  Do you know that nobody – and we mean NOBODY – likes a complainer.  That’s what you are today… a complainer.  Just stop and deal with it.  Nobody wants to hear about all your troubles.  You should see what we have to deal with just to get a bite to eat.  Spring traps, poison that smells like apples, glue traps… the list goes on.  What do you do… walk to the fridge.  Now who’s got the right to complain?   Gee whiz….  and all you have to complain about it getting another year older and a few additional gray hairs.  OH… you’ve got bursitis.   Big whoop… try being a rat.  Do you know the mortality rate of a rat?  Do you know how easy it is for one of us to contract cancer….  guess what.   Really friggin low and really friggin easy.  ARGH! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You’re known to all as a person who doesn’t bother hiding their feeling. That’s not a typo. You’ve only got one. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Don’t go around wondering what people say about you. If you knew, you’d only learn a lot of unpleasant things about yourself. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) A prospective employer, during the course of a job interview, will ask you what you believe to be your worst quality, a question which leads inexorably to his divorce some days later. Aries (March 21 – April 19) If you could see yourself right now, you’d be laughing right along with us! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Finally.  We thought you would never figure out about your halitosis.  Who clued you in? Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You can actually cure the common cold.  You can, but only if you figure out the combination to the lock on the vault inside your tiny little brain.   Hint:  It’s not 36-24-36, neither are you. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Keep a hanky or a box of kleenex nearby today.  You’re gonna have a sneezing fit that you won’t be able to control. Research the ten-sneeze phenomena and tell us if it’s true! Leo (July 23 – August 22) Today you will see a strangely curious shoe box sitting on a table.  Don’t open it.  There are alligators in it. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Ok.  Now that the No-Doz has worn off, you can drink a cup of coffee. Libra (September 23 – October 22) We don’t know about balance in your life.  It looks like you’re gonna fall down at least a couple of times today. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Scorpio has a life outside of you, you know.  Don’t expect something profound every day. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) What you leave in the toilet will look eerily similar to Mount St. Helens – before the eruption.]]]]> ]]>