Horoscopes for May 20, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Happy Birthday. No strings attached. Really. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Try as you may you will not be able to ope the peanut butter. You’re probably gonna starve. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You should change the subject of any and ever conversation after 2 sentences. This may irritate some, but it is for your own good and will stop you from having to reveal too much about your true identity. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Don’t pull on Superman’s cape, Don’t spit into the wind and don’t get caught making references to old tired 70’s songs. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Told you about yesterday, but you didn’t believe us. You won’t be making that mistake again. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) In a perfect world, you could blink your eyes and the house would be clean. But, in a perfect world, your husband would scrub the toilet for you. Neither will happen today. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Summer is upon us. You might as well check on getting Deet injections. No, seriously. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Once in a while you just want to lie in a dark room and be left alone in quiet peace and solitude. You should have thought about that before hosting the sleep over for the entire kindergarten class. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Today will be boring…as…usual. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) When you get to the end of the map, turn it over and go in the other direction. Yes, that makes perfect sense to us. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Tiny wild men that live in the tall brush beside your house would appreciate it if you took one for the male species and told your wife that you like that wild hillbilly look to the yard and that the weeds are staying! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Man, it’s going to be a long weekend. Really long. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) If you are still here tomorrow, you will know that all of the predictions were wrong. See, you can’t believe everything that you read on the internet. What has this world come to?]]]]> ]]>