Horoscopes for May 21, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!  That is the only “Happy” birthday wish you will get.  All the rest will be mediocre. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Crying will only get you swollen, puffy eyes.  You should probably get an ice pack to improve your looks.  You know that your brains aren’t gonna get you anywhere today! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) We just found out that the stars in your sign went on strike and are picketing at this time.  They said some really mean, nasty and hateful things to us when we consulted them about your day.  We’d probably get into some really hot water if we repeated them, so we’re not.  Sorry. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) We read a book the other day and thought about you.  What was the name of the book, you ask…  “The Idiots Guide to Breathing” Aries (March 21 – April 19) When you do things like this, it’s hard for people around you to forgive and forget.   Heck, who are we kidding…  It’s hard for people to even look at you! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) WHEN YOU TYPE TODAY… DO SO IN ALL CAPS.  IT WILL DRIVE EVERYBODY CRAZY! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your search for the meaning of life will lead you to the realization that Hitchhiker’s Guide got it wrong.  It’s not 42 at all.  Your formula leads you to believe that the meaning to life is 5, which, by sheer eerie coincidence is what the ancient Mayan’s believed.  You may want to start preparing for December 21, 2012.   Oh…  Your formula.   Hitchhiker’s Guide minus Clerks equals the true meaning of life. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) OH!  My…   Wow…  LOL! Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will attempt to recreate Mike the Headless Chicken…  then you will be imprisoned for the wanton murder of many beloved barnyard birds. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Why do you think that about yourself?   You should never think those kinds of thoughts.  We are sincerely concerned about your well-being.  You should think of seeing a counselor when the office opens on Monday!  Today could be good, if you would only allow it to happen that way. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Tonight will be very memorable…. for everyone who witnesses your incredible display of drunkenness… Thankfully, you won’t remember much at all. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Your day will go about as well as the plot of Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-Long Blog.  You will get everything you ever wanted and the world will be in your grasp, but the price you pay will be – well… there’s not an adjective that horrible enough for that. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) I, Rodrigo Juan Constantino Paolo Oscar Gutierrez de la Guadalajara, am hereby notifying you that you will not like what the others are about to tell you.  They give you this horoscope against my advice.  Rupert is the head-honcho around here and his decision is final but he, by all his grace, allowed me to present my objection to you.   I do not agree with this horrible and malicious foretelling of your day.  With that being said, here is the horoscope they give to you. You have gas.   Try burping, because if it goes the other way, you will be single by the end of the evening.]]]]> ]]>