Horoscopes for May 22, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  You will have a great day! You will be showered by love and affection. Everyone will sing your praises! It’s all a dream, but hey, at least you got a nap. Small victories, my friend, small victories. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Try to be nice and friendly today. In other words, lie. Lie like you’ve never lied before. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) I guess you are expecting a horoscope? We know what you said about us yesterday. It wasn’t funny and terribly uncool. Have fun muddling through the day with no clue as to what will happen next. Wah Hahah! Ours is an evil laugh. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) When you really sit down and think about it, your mind is rather empty. But you like the sound of the echo, don’t you? Aries (March 21 – April 19) Gather the women and children! Circle the wagons! There be trouble in them there hills. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Sure, go right ahead. No matter what we tell you, you are going to do what you want. Come see us when YOUR plan fails miserably. We’ll kiss it and make it all go away. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Make some noise today. Don’t take anyone telling you to pipe down. You have the right to speak your mind! This is America! Who does that librarian think she is? Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Take three paces to the left. Jump up one and a half times. Bend over backwards. Reach out your left arm as far as you can and make a hugging gesture. There. Ahhh. Itch. Scratched. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Eat a large breakfast. You won’t be returning home for a long long time. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Sometime you are the bat. Today you will be the ball…the only ball.  Annnd, it’s a double header. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Some say love is a river. We say love is a Mack truck barreling down a 8 degree incline with smoking breaks and no run-a-way truck lane in sight. And you are a VW beetle with a stuck emergency break. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Don’t eat the peanut butter. That is the most important rule of the day and should be obeyed above all else. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) May this day bring you inner peace. It won’t but we really wish we were wrong.]]]]> ]]>