Horoscopes for May 26, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Wear a big belt buckle today.  Walk like you’ve been riding a horse for a week and speak very slowly.   When anyone asks you why you are acting that way, just look at them and say ‘Outta my way, pilgrim.  I’ve got somewhere else to be.’  Then wink and tell them you are celebrating your birthday with The Duke!!! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) We’re a little embarrassed about our moment of sheer panic yesterday when we couldn’t find your stars.  We received the following message from an entity who calls himself Klaminikyyk Brogolothrinketyz who resides within your sign.  He (or she – we’re not really sure) says:  “Your human who pronounced himself as a prophet was proven to be wrong.  The stars you seek to consult are trying to recompose themselves after the fit of uncontrollable laughter.  They would like to extend their apologies for being out of contact and beg patience for just one more day.”  He went on to add some personal observations about the human race and our technological infancy – with lots of derogatory language interspersed with his “advice.”  We think that he’s just some arrogant jerk, but he was nice enough to send the message so we suggest that you thank him.  He says that he can hear you – but we don’t believe that. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Whew!  That was awesome!  Thank you!  (You’ll find out later.) Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Don’t say yes.  Be vague.  It will work for the best today. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will be late for everything that you do today.  When you miss the deadline, act like you are ill.  Try your best to be convincing. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Big green eyes will be staring at you while you drive this evening.  It’s not an animal.  It’s the moon reflecting off two little dings in your windshield.   Funny… your windshield played heavily in your horoscope yesterday.  We wonder… was it the bugs who dinged your glass? Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Each task you perform today will seem as hard as if you were the first person to ever have to cross the Rocky Mountains.   Take a chill pill.   Rome wasn’t built in a day and the person who crossed the Rockies first took a really long time to do it, too.   You’re right on pace to finish before you retire. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Pick up some insoles for your shoes.  Your transportation will fail you later in the week and you’ll have to hoof it. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Finally.  You understand the meaning of ROFLMAO!  It took you long enough! Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Don’t be afraid to speak your mind.  You are a strong and talented individual and has many things to offer.  Update your resume today.  You’ll be needing it shortly after you get through speaking your mind.  We’ll be glad to provide you a glowing reference. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You’re gonna need to buy some sunscreen.   The a/c in the car will cease to work on Saturday and you’ll get unevenly tanned when your arm is hanging out of the open window. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Purchase the things that you need for the weekend.  This won’t be a good weekend for heading out to the store.  You’ll run into no-less than three people that you really don’t want to talk to and will be forced to act nice because you don’t like to make a scene.   We understand your non-confrontational nature but think you should really tell that one guy where to get off.   You know he gives you the heebie jeebies, but you’re always so nice.  Grow a set and tell him that you could care less whether he continues to breathe the air, but you really do care whether he breathes the air in your immediate vicinity.  It will be a cathartic experience….. on second thought… delay your trip to the store until the weekend.   Until then, be strong and understand that paper towels may feel rough on the backside, but they flush almost as easily as TP. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You are still wondering… If Π R², then why is every pie in the store round?]]]]> ]]>