Horoscopes for May 27, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  You should celebrate by having a pity party.  The only friends that remembered to tell you Happy Birthday were those that you have on your facebook page.   That’s when you realize that you really have no real-life friends.   Guess that’s what you get for devolving into a digital avatar in World of Warcraft. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Your stars returned.   They say that you aren’t really any different today than you were yesterday and that today will be much the same as all your tomorrows… boring, monotonous and uneventful. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You should really think about taking another shower this afternoon.   You’re gonna get the chance to meet a person that will change your life and they will walk away from you if you smell the way you do in the late afternoons. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You can have your cake and eat it, too.   You already ate lots of it and it shows… what’s one more piece gonna do! Aries (March 21 – April 19) We think that you are going to have sweaty palms but it could be that your palms will be sweating from work… but then again.. we know you…. you’re gonna have sweaty palms.  You should keep a hanky handy. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Build a tower out of popsicle sticks that looks like a radio antenna.   Put it on your desk and tell everyone that you are trying to communicate with a psychic from the Arizona territory to find out whether Billy the Kid really got killed by Pat Garrett.  People will tend to shy away from you – which is a good thing – plus, you never know.  It could happen! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will feel incredibly lethargic today… then suddenly you’ll have a burst of energy, but that energy won’t last very long and then you’ll need to lie down and close your eyes for a while.   You could use a Jolt cola but you can’t find them anywhere anymore. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Don’t bite your toenails today.  If you do, you will be discovered and thoroughly embarrassed. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Learn to play a musical instrument.  It will help you pass all the time you spend alone. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) There are lines growing deeper inside your forehead.  You could get Botox treatments, but that would only temporarily fix the problem, and in your case, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea….  given your luck, the injection would permanently paralyze your face. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You haven’t done anything fun and exciting since March.   You should really think about getting out of the office more often.  Really. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You avoided the situation and delayed your trip… that’s alright, but what good is it for us to give you advice and then just watch you ignore it?  Here’s the advice for the day…  go to the laundry and take advantage of the really big washing machine.  Your clothes all have this strange smell and could use a good washing with some vanilla scented fabric softener. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You will realize that your favorite shirt is not going to make it much longer.  You should plan a ceremony to celebrate it’s retirement and then go shopping to find an appropriate garment to replace it.]]]]> ]]>