Horoscopes for May 29, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Wow.  You made it.  We didn’t see that one coming.  Congrats… at least for a little while more. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Smile…  You’re gonna want to make the best impression that you can… but remember to brush your teeth! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Your life will feel as if you are the focus of Vincent Van Gogh’s “The Scream.”  Everything around you will seem all wavy and swirly and you’ll be doing your best impression of Macauley Culkin when he put on the after shave in Home Alone! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Power through your work so that you can take a PowerNap.  You’re gonna need one to deal with the family drama coming later tonight. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You’re gonna spend your day looking inside yourself…. We’re not talking about any sort of deep philosophical introspection… there’s a trip to the hospital in your future and you’ll be looking at the x-rays of your chest and abdomen for a really long time before the doctor gets to you.  As it turns out, the kid with the incessant sneezing fit is a lot more interesting than the person who thinks they swallowed a piece of metal. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Yes.  You can hit the toilet from three feet away, but is that really what you are most proud of?  You should really take a look at some of your other accomplishments and stop bragging to your friends about that one. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) We are not really sure what this means but your stars wanted us to tell you to duck! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) We saw the coolest thing while we were watching an old episode of MythBusters and think that it might be the solution to your problem.  Grab forty-three 2-Liter bottles of Diet Coke and twelve packs of Mentos.    Drop the Mentos into the open bottle of Diet Coke and you’ll instantly get a fountain.  This will keep the neighborhood kids fascinated long enough for you to get some rest. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You have a serious dilemma headed your way.  You will need to decide whether dinner with the in-laws is more important than washing your dog.  Pick the dog.  There’s less drama and you’ll find that the dog will be more interesting company. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You will have a positively charged day.  Be careful around all electric appliances! Libra (September 23 – October 22) You should probably look at what’s inside your refrigerator and invite some friends for a meal filled with your leftovers.   The fridge is going to have some problems tonight and will cease to operate.  The repairman won’t give you any hope, either. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Spend some time with your friend.  We know that you looked at that sentence twice and thought to yourself “Shouldn’t they have said friends – with an S?”  No.  What you have are a number of acquaintances.  You only have one friend and that’s because they feel sorry for you.  Spend some time with them and let them know how much you value the relationship… they’re starting to have second thoughts. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You should do something really exciting today.  Sit down with a pen and paper and start making your Christmas list.  WOW!!!  FUN!]]]]> ]]>