If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! You have earned the right to eat without wearing your bib… to think… it only took you this long to figure out how to not drop food on yourself while you eat. Next step… give up your sippy cup. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Dig deep inside yourself and you will find that you don’t have the courage to face that tough challenge… that’s when you’ll need to rely on the advice of a well loved and much missed pro wrestler named Eddie Guerrero: Cheat to Win! Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Do not think for one second that you can wear the outfit you’re thinking about wearing tonight. You will cause yourself some great embarrassment with your lack of style. Find someone who gets complimented on their clothes on a consistent basis and seek their advice. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) The earth is moving at a very high rate of speed as it rotates around the sun because of the sun’s gravitational pull. You will soon have enough gravitational pull to have small rocks orbiting you. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will realize that your entire vocabulary comes from seek-a-word puzzles but that you have no clue how to use most of the words in a sentence. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Whenever you accomplish a task today, no matter how small, say “Ta-Da!” like a magician does. It will annoy everyone around you and you’ll be given the opportunity to leave work early and Presto, change-o… TA-DA! You get to do what you want to do! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Go back to bed. This day is not even worth getting dressed for. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Your day will be slightly less exciting than listening to Bob Ross explain about “Happy Little Trees.” Leo (July 23 – August 22) Today you will feel like Han Solo because your best friend will groan like Chewbacca and you’ll be in a place that reminds you of that really weird bar where they met Luke and Obi Wan. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Your computer is going to crash today. It will be hacked by cyber ninjas and internet zombies. You will have to restore it back to it’s original condition only to find out that it is on the hunt for brains. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You will have crippling brain cramps today… your head will feel like it’s about to explode… there is a cure. Turn the television away from the Jersey Shore marathon…. It’s been known to kill brain cells and you don’t have that many to spare. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Nobody has ever told you this because they feel you are too fragile to criticize, but we know that you have more fortitude than that. You stand entirely too close to people when you talk to them… It’s not that you’re violating some “personal space bubble” or something… you simply smell like soured milk. You should get that checked out. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) DON’T PANIC!!! There is a partial solar eclipse coming later this week. Things will dim slightly during the day and then will get brighter. It’s not the light bulb inside your head… that went out a long time ago.]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.