Horoscopes for May 7, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Your birthday will be overshadowed by the fact that you forgot to buy a Mother’s Day gift.  Say YAY! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Stave off any type of plane travel.  The fact is simple…  in the event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device.  Do you really want to cling to something that has been sat on by thousands of rear ends?  Try renting an RV. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) While you were planning and sniffing, you forgot to call the Ivy Place and order your mom flowers.  Better do it NOW.  Oh.. don’t boil tea today.  The bags will burst and you’ll be left trying to read tea grounds. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Fling caution to the wind… run naked through the swamp while covered in honey. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Place your faith where you will, but cook your chicken a little longer and you won’t have to pray that you’ll get better quickly. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You thought it would last forever, but there is actually an expiration date on true love.  If you’ll read the fine print, you’ll find it. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will fall prey to the “porcelain god.”  Thank your favorite Aries.  It’s their fault. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Your forecast in the stars is a bit fuzzy.  It could be because of the fact that we drank way too much but we don’t remember doing so.  It also could be because Julio forgot to clean the lens on the telescope.  We’ll try to solve this mystery and see what we can do for you.  In the meantime, be careful. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will read the bottle of shampoo and realize that it contains lipids and proteins.  You were taught what proteins are, but will go on a mad hunt on the internet to find out what lipids are.  Whatever they are, they make your hair look good. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You like marshmallows in your coffee.  Strange. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Saturn is moving into your sign this week.  Oh… wait… that’s not right… Your vehicle will be struck by a Saturn.  Make sure that your insurance is in order. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Today is a good day to question who “they” are.  You know…  “they say that behind every successful man is a good woman”  “they say that you always find the keys in the last place you look”   Just who are “they” and why do they say such things? Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) We have been told that we are well suited to be psychologists.  You could be our first patient and we could both be famous!  Think of how many people would read those books!]]]]> ]]>