Horoscopes for May 9, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  You really should take some fiber pills or something.  You’re starting to smell really bad and we think that you could use a cleansing before your party. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Your stars foretell of a benevolent relative who will come into your life soon.  Try to act like a normal person for once and maybe they’ll stick around. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You can rest a little easier tonight in the knowledge that nobody will be able to stop talking about the day that you will have today.  Of course most of those conversations will contain wild hand gestures and lots of sound effects. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You will fail at your goal of becoming a district manager at that fast food restaurant.  Don’t be so sad.  It’s really hard to tell whether or not it’s a cherry or an apple pie.  You’ll have another chance someday.  Until then, work on perfecting the delivery of the phrase, “Would you like fries with that?” Aries (March 21 – April 19) Hmmm.  We are looking into your stars and they are blinking the SOS signal in unison.  Does that mean anything to you? Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Waste not your time.  The diet you are on won’t matter to you by next Wednesday afternoon.   Eat three bacon cheeseburgers an hour and be happy until then. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) They say “Live each day as if it were your last.”  You should really listen to “them” today. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The events of today will closely resemble those of last Monday, including the lunch you’re gonna eat.  No… it’s not some strange twist of fate… you’re just that predictable. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You really shouldn’t be thinking about volunteering at the animal shelter.  You’re allergic to rabbits and they’re gonna have an influx of them soon. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Anyone besides us who tells you that they can read your future is only using you for financial gain.  Let us hold your wallet and then go consult with them and see what you get! Libra (September 23 – October 22) You’ve decided that you’re gonna go green.  You’re gonna bike to work.  We hope that you’ll have the forethought to purchase one of those inflatable rings to sit on while you’re there and also still have enough money for a cab ride home. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You’ll begin a new relationship today… and for once it won’t end after you hand them their change. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) It has come to our attention that you are a weirdo and that we shouldn’t be talking to you.  Don’t worry.  That guy won’t be seen until well after the water goes back down.  You can thank us later.]]]]> ]]>