Horoscopes for May, Friday the 13th, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  You knew it was bound to happen every now and then, being born on the 13th and all. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) This day you will feel off. See what mean we. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will have bed luck all day. And NO, it is not because it’s Friday the 13th. You are just an unlucky sort of fella. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) We don’t mean to alarm you, but there is a guy standing behind you in a hockey mask. Aries (March 21 – April 19) We aren’t really sure but you may have a run in with a guy and a machete soon. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will have a general feeling of doom today. Oh, sorry, DOOOOOM! There, that’s better. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) We know you had plans for a beautiful weekend, but pay attention to the date. Are you sure Camp Crystal Lake is such a good idea? Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Be kind to strangers. You never know who may turn out to be an insane serial killer. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will need the following items to survive the night. One glove, 5 steak knives and duct tape. Tape knives to glove fingers. Slip glove on. Avoid police check points. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Think of today as a dress rehearsal. We are sure that your next life will be filled with real adventure. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Last man standing wins. In case of a tie, wait. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Sorry to hear about your accident. We thought everybody knew not to put metal in the microwave. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Only father time knows the length and breadth of your punishment.]]]]> ]]>