Horoscopes for November 2, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!!!  Celebrate it… there’s only one more coming before the end of the world.  (If the Mayans were right!) Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Bouncing the ball with two hands is considered double dribbling in most cases.  In yours, most people consider it a miracle. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Plop down on the couch, call the dog up into your lap and spend  lazy day at home.  It’s not like you were gonna do anything productive at work anyway! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) If you had a smart phone… well, let’s face it, you wouldn’t be caught dead with something that was so hard to operate.  Nevermind. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Groaning about things all day will make people think you are a zombie.  Be careful… one of your co-workers carries a shotgun in their car just in case the Zombie Apocalypse begins when they are away from home. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Fat-Bottomed Girls do, in fact, make the world go round! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your test results came back.  Trust us, you’re gonna want to hear this in person. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) If you would just eat a decent breakfast instead of chowing down on your fingernails to get that last taste of sugary goodness left over from the doughnuts, you would feel better about yourself.  Try a banana and some oatmeal for goodness sake! Leo (July 23 – August 22) Today you will reach your breaking point…. at least your wind will. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Dangling a metaphorical carrot in front of you has not worked thus far, maybe we should dangle an ACTUAL carrot and see how that works. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Zeal and vigor will be yours today, if only you actually got up out of the bed to experience them. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Your pet needs a bath, if you know what we mean. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Oh what a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive.  That’s why we don’t deceive, we shoot you straight every single time, but the web being spun by your co-workers will catch you in it’s deadly grasp today.  Better take your bottle of BLEEP-B-Gone with you to work!]]]]> ]]>