Horoscopes for November 29, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!!!  Go forth and multiply your discount at a local restaurant.  Be sure to tell everyone it’s your birthday.  Make a big production of it.  There’s only one more to celebrate before the world ends next year! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will delve into the world of the paranormal later this afternoon when you dream that you are dead and listening to the people at your funeral.  You will wake up and be very angry at the people you love because of the things that you heard them say.  Remember this before you go off half-cocked:  It was YOUR dream and YOU were the one giving them the words to say.  Maybe you should call a counselor instead of yelling at your loved ones.  You should really find out why you hate yourself so much. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Today will feel like you are spitting in the wind, tugging on Superman’s cape, pulling the mask off of The Lone Ranger and messing around with Jim. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Pondering the mysteries of the universe only makes you money if you’re a theoretical physicist.  In your position, it will get you fired.  Back to work! Aries (March 21 – April 19) The woodland creatures have build a small shrine in your back yard.  This is a really bad sign! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Yellow is the color of the day! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) In the immortal words of Benjamin Franklin:  FART PROUDLY! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Crayons have become your favorite writing tools.  You should really seek answers to the question WHY? Leo (July 23 – August 22) You will find what you believe to be a very rare coin in the bottom of your couch.  As it turns out, the coin is a counterfeit and you will be arrested if you try to sell it. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Just in case you missed it, CM Punk kept hold of his WWE Championship and Eli Manning went down in flames thanks to Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints! Libra (September 23 – October 22) Starched ‘Hang-Glider’ Collars went out in the late ’70’s and they’re not destined for a comeback.  Throw that shirt away and find a new one. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You could have really made a difference in this world, instead, you just made a mess. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Just take it easy today!]]]]> ]]>