Horoscopes for October 14, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!   Everyone will avoid you today.  They forgot that it was your birthday until they saw you in that shirt with the big “IT’S MY BIRTHDAY” print on the front of it. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Grab a burger and call it a day. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Games played by children will dominate your day.  In other words, your day is gonna feel like a game of Chutes and Ladders (mostly chutes) and people will constantly be saying “Sorry!” Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Place a piece of silver under the doormat to keep the ghouls away from your home.  It’s getting close to Halloween and your home is much more susceptible to infestation by ghosts. Aries (March 21 – April 19) The transmission from the stars was garbled.  Either that or they were speaking a language that only they understand. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) There is no cooler side of the pillow today. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Nothing can come between a man and his dog… except an ice cold beer. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Thunderous applause will spontaneously erupt when you fall down the stairs later. Leo (July 23 – August 22) This will be stellar day for you.  You will rise to the top of the heap and then crash and burn like a meteor from outer space. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) It is becoming increasingly hard to go number two. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Once upon a time, you could squeeze your butt into those jeans, but that was a few hundred Twinkies ago. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) There are no excuses left.  Get out now. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The laundry is building up at a very rapid rate, so are the dishes.  This could be a sign that your significant other has moved out or that you are just that lazy.  We’re not sure, but you may want to think about what you’re gonna do.]]]]> ]]>