Horoscopes for October 15, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!   You will receive at least one gift that you will need to return and one gift that you will want to return, but can’t because you’ll wind up hurting the gifter’s feelings.  Look on the bright side.  You’re gonna get at least two birthday gifts this year… beats last year by like 200% Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) No, we do not have any jacks.  Go fish. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will drop your phone in the toilet, and will feel weird about taking it out and finding it still works.  You will ponder the question of whether to use it or not.  That’s when we’ll find out what kind of person you truly are. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Your eating habits will cause you grief today when you put on the big bib before the barbecue. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Just because you have a Bedazzler, doesn’t mean that you have to use it. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Place three bets.  Odds are, one of them will pay off. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Creating things has never been your strong suit, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t be successful.  Keep trying. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Zero in on one thing today.  You will not be able to multi-task.  Try to focus on finding the smell that is in your car and you’ll clear the air – and your head. Leo (July 23 – August 22) The burning sensation that you feel down there can be helped with some Gold Bond Medicated Powder. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Number two came and went, now you’re having problems going number one.  Later today, you’ll be able to go number three with no problem… as a matter of fact, number three will hit you before you have a chance to find a bathroom. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Today’s a good day to stare at the sky and ponder your future.  You’ll need sunglasses, but it’s not because your future’s so bright. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Give up.  Go home. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) What goes up, must come down.  At least that’s what the doctor said about the drastic amount of weight that you’ve gained recently.]]]]> ]]>