Horoscopes for October 23, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!   It’s a great day to be alive, but it’s also a great day to mourn the loss of the best years of your life.  It’s all downhill from here. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Break us off a piece of that Kit Kat bar. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) The time that you spent learning that new software was all for naught.  There has been a massive update and nothing really works the same. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You should buy some salt while you are at the store today.  You’re gonna get a sore throat this week and will need it to gargle with. Aries (March 21 – April 19) There is a new workout routine that you should get into.  It includes getting up off the couch, which could be a great thing for your social life, too. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You will be asked to quote the Gettysburg Address today.   We don’t know why, but it’s definitely gonna happen. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Charm is not your strong suit. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You will be forced to use a public toilet today.  Use the tissue ring.  Trust us. Leo (July 23 – August 22) The needlenose pliers are in one of your kitchen drawers. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Check your car for errant cans of soda.  The stars said something about one of the cans rolling under your brake pedal and preventing you from stopping before you hit that Cadillac in front of you. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Your left eye will twitch most of the day and people will think that you are up to something. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Roll the windows up before you park the car.  That isolated thunderstorm that the weatherman was talking about will actually be located directly over your vehicle. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Tread lightly when you begin to have that important discussion.  One wrong word could send them over the edge.]]]]> ]]>