If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! While pondering the meaning of life, you will stumble upon the fact that there are candles burning your face. Maybe you shouldn’t pause to think when you get ready to blow out the candles. Make your wish before hand next time and avoid the hospital trip.Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) There are many ways you present yourself to people, but the most loved one of those ways is in silence.Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Gone are the days when you could do all of those cool things. Now you just look pathetic. Time to grow up.Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Plan for the worst day you can possibly imagine. At the end of the day you’ll be thankful that it wasn’t that bad.Aries (March 21 – April 19) Congratulations. You have the combined intelligence of the entire cast of Jersey Shore. Be proud. You’re almost average!Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The word of the day is “Nefarious.” You’ll need to know that when you overhear someone describing you later today. We’ll give you a hint. It’s not an ancient Egyptian queen.Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You will receive a plaque from your dentist for being the patient with the most plaque buildup in the history of dentistry.Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Drive past three dogs and take a left. There you will find Happiness.Leo (July 23 – August 22) Pause the DVR and go stir the food on the stove.Virgo (August 23 – September 22) A paper jam in the copier will leave you with lots of undone work and lots of toner on your clothes. Wear something that you’re not really in love with.Libra (September 23 – October 22) Your dream of riding in a Venetian gondola will be crushed today when you discover that you’re not welcome in Italy. Go to San Antonio. There are gondolas there and if you close your eyes, you can imagine yourself in Venice, but be sure to take along some clothes that have been soaked in gasoline and sewage. That will give your voyage an “air” of authenticity. The smell of Venice will be there with you!Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Glowing orbs are wandering around your back yard. Do not be afraid. It’s just the ghosts of the Civil War getting ready for the Sesquicentennial celbration.Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Beer pong is not your game!]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.