Horoscopes for September 18, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!   Today will be the day that you learn that the Hydra is not a mythical Greek creature. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You’ll be okay.  You’re more resilient than you think.  You’ll bounce back quicker than your checks. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) One of your friends called you two-faced.  You can convince them that you’re not by just telling them the truth.  Tell them that you can’t be two-faced, because if you were, you wouldn’t be wearing the one that you are. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Your state of dress is like a bad photograph.  Overexposed.  Put some clothes on, will ya?  Nobody needs to see that much of you. Aries (March 21 – April 19) The football games start at noon, 3:05 and 7:20.  Be done with your whining by then or be ready to be ignored!!! Taurus (April 20 – May 20) There is one sure-fire way to make sure that you live at least another seven years.  Break a mirror! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your character’s name in the wrestling ring of life should be called Van Gogh because of the amount of time you spend on the canvas. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You left Happiness sitting on the side of the road.  He needed a ride.  That’s why we sent you.  You suck! Leo (July 23 – August 22) A kid on a skateboard, a one-horned goat, your car and a tree will all play a part in your day, but the stars can’t tell if there’s going to be an accident.   They would like you to tell them how things turn out.  They can’t get their mind off the one-horned goat. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Give it all you’ve got.  We know that it’s not much, but every little bit of effort counts! Libra (September 23 – October 22) Jermaine Jackson will play a very influential role in your life today.  We’re not sure if the stars are talking about that Jermaine or not, but that’s the name they gave us. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Remember this one piece of advice today:  God gave you a nose so that you could keep your mouth closed. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Your waitress today will have the sort of charm that rubs off with tissue and cold cream.]]]]> ]]>