Horoscopes for September 20, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!   You will want God to make you a bird so you can fly far, far away from your “birthday party.”  Thanks to one of your friends, who gets really loose lips when alcohol is imbibed, you’ll want to be anywhere else but there! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Make sure that you don’t eat ketchup today.  We don’t know why, we’re just relaying the message. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) An umbrella may be handy, but staying inside will be a lot better.  That way you can set your DVR for all the great season premieres of the fall season!!! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You will find that the cramp that you had last week, which you thought was intensely painful, was really just a walk in the park compared to what will hit you today. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You’ve really done it this time… We are speechless. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Some goon will take a key to the side of your car thinking that it’s his girlfriend’s and that she’s cheating on him.  Be warned.  If you try to find this goon, he will think that you’re the one she’s cheating on him with.  He’s kinda dense, if you get our drift, and won’t listen to reason, but will gladly take out his frustrations on you.  Better just call your insurance agent and make a report! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) We realize that yesterday’s horoscope was really, really hurtful to you.  We apologize for the fact that we were the ones who had to tell you, but the fact remains that it’s all true.  Here’s today’s little bit of wisdom.  You are too darned sensitive.  Since when does a grown-up get their feelings so hurt that they break down and cry over some words on a computer screen.  The fact is that you were having a hard time dealing with the truth, and we think that it’s about time that you picked yourself up by your boot straps and went about your life like a grown-up should.  Stop being such a panty-waist, you twit! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You always complain that we’re a bit vague on the horoscope.  So… here’s your horoscope Somewhere around 6 pm today you will have to take evasive maneuvers to miss hitting a deer with your car.  This action will cause you to run over a small nail which fell off the back of a white pickup truck belonging to a carpenter.  The tiny nail will embed itself in your left front tire and cause a slow leak.  This will cause you to have a blowout later this week and be completely soaked by the falling rain as you get out of your vehicle to survey the damage caused by the blowout.  Now… How’s that for specifics? Leo (July 23 – August 22) Pacify your boss.  Just smile and nod as they rip you a new one.  Be apologetic for your actions, or lack thereof, and promise that it will never happen again.  When you get back to your desk, resume your normal activities.  That’ll teach you to post your Angry Birds score on Facebook. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You were the victim of identity theft, but when he looked at your credit report, he decided to give it back. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Grab a mop… the toilet is overflowing. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You’ve made a few mistakes and are stuck with the consequences, but the consequences of a mistake today could be more than you bargained for!  Be extra cautious… at everything! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Your finances are in such bad shape that you may have to heat your home this winter with all the junk mail and past-due notices that you receive.]]]]> ]]>