If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! You will experience difficulty walking up a hill!Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA…. but you’re wrong. It’s actually the Space Monkey Mafia.Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You have a very minor influence in your small circle of friends. People tend to hate you for flaunting your minuscule amount of power.Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You lack confidence because of your lack of intelligence. Go through life with your head held high and be proud that your lack of intelligence has kept you from being influenced by those stupid politicians!Aries (March 21 – April 19) Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. What they don’t know is that you’re a communist that wants to take down the establishment.Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. We had to explain it because you’re also dumb.Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You are the artistic type and have difficult time dealing with reality. Changes for employment and monetary gain are nil.Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You are always putting things off. That’s why you are always looking for someone to bail you out. Learn to stand on your own two feet and stop procrastinating.Leo (July 23 – August 22) You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your lack of ethics.Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Virgos make good bus drivers.Libra (September 23 – October 22) You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent.Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a scaredy-cat. You should stay home, out of the way of everybody else.Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) …and the phone bill, too]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.