Horoscopes for September 25, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!   You’re older.  Get over it. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Sit down in your chair and contemplate the mysteries of the universe while sipping on a tasty, ice cold beverage.  That’s the best thing that you can do today.  One, it ensures that you deal with fewer people than venturing out of the house and two, it ensures that you keep your mouth shut, except when you’re opening it to pour your delicious libation into it. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Green is not your color. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Today’s outlook is good.  The rest of the week is gonna suck. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Plant your feet firmly on the ground and scream at the one you love.  (We figured you were gonna do it anyway, so it would be a pretty safe prediction… the stars are a little fuzzy on their advice today.) Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Flooding the world with your tears may be your goal with your little pity party, but it’s way past time for you to figure out that nobody really cares and you should turn off the water works. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Jump around, jump around.  Jump up, jump up and get down. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Deal yourself a good hand.  It’s the only good hand you’re gonna get for a while. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Plundering through a box of mementos is no way to spend a Sunday.  Football is on television and there are lots of terrific things to do in town.  Stop living in the past.  It’s history… not the future. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Old people will come to visit you because they heard you were going to die.  It could be true.  Visit with them. It may be your last chance. Libra (September 23 – October 22) No…. not gonna happen. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) The Gupta family would like to thank you for allowing them to earn a paycheck by spending so much time on the line with tech support this week.  Celebrate helping someone feed their family. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The rent for the storage shed and the gas/water bill payment will be on-time.  Look.  Good news.]]]]> ]]>