Horoscopes for September 26, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!   This year is gonna suck for you… it starts on a Monday… anything that starts on a Monday has to suck! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) The ball is in your court today.  Swing at the fences. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Ladies and gentlemen:  Due to insufficient data provided to us by the Bureau of Stars, we are unable to provide you with an accurate forecast of today’s events.  In lieu of this fact, we can offer you the chance to write a letter to send to the Bureau.  Just send it to Chris or Cristy, as they are the only two who know how to communicate with us.  Thank you. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Stand in the place where you live.  Now face north. Aries (March 21 – April 19) The spotlight will be yours today… then it will quickly turn towards that mealy-mouthed, no good, co-worker of yours who always has to be the center of attention.  This will cause you to want to slash their tires.  Don’t do it.  You need to rise above.  Face it, you’ve wallowed around with the lowlifes for way to long already. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) There is a paper jam on the third floor of the building.  This will cause chaos and your workday will end early.  Grab a margarita and say thanks to our cousin Pablo! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You can get up now. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Think about where you might have left your keys, then go look in the freezer.  They’re in the ice tray. Leo (July 23 – August 22) Did you know that there are over 100 Godzilla movies.  That has nothing to do with your day… unless wou want to draw the correlation between what your day is gonna be like to path of destruction that Godzilla invariably leaves in his wake. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Turn the volume up to 11.  If there is no 11 on your radio… throw it away. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You need a new computer. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Today is a good day to do a science experiment.  First, toast some bread.  Second, butter that toast.  Third, find a cat.  Fourth, attach the buttered toast to the cat’s back with the buttered side up.  Next, take the cat up on the roof of your house and toss it off.   Repeat the throw as many times as is necessary to discover which is the more factual adage:   “Buttered toast always lands butter side down” or “Cat’s always land on their feet”   Let us know what you find out.  Just leave it in a note posted near the bottom of your refrigerator door. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Henry told us that you could help yourself out by selling plasma over in Jackson.  That may help with the bills that are going to be late.  Henry has made a living out of it, but if you look at his arms, you would think he’s a junkie!]]]]> ]]>