Horoscopes for September 3, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! You will be taken on a fantastic shopping spree.  Unfortunately you won’t be able to find the one thing you need… a life. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will shock everyone today when you say something intelligent. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You are a talker.  That’s true, but you should really pay attention when you’re doing the one thing that you’re good at.  There’s nobody listening.  This has been the case for a very long time and we figured we’d give you this long weekend to figure out how to change your station in life. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You are one of those people who believe that you are equal to everyone else.  You either have a dramatically low opinion of everyone else or you are just delusional.  We haven’t figured it out yet. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will hear an echo all day long.  There’s no need to worry.  The aliens are working to resolve the problem with the glitch in the equipment.  Everything should be better when you wake up in the morning… or it could be this afternoon if you decide to take a nap when the house is empty. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) It’s time for you to do your part already.  Pick up the phone and admit your mistake.  You might be forgiven, you might be cussed out, but you’ll fell better about yourself… which is a huge step, considering what you think when you look in the mirror. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) We have a real plan to help you out of your financial hole.  You should open a business helping fat people lose weight.  The only thing is you can only have one client at a time.  You follow them around and make sure you are in their line of sight when they’re about to eat.  One look in your direction and they lose their appetite.  Then you get paid.  Easy money. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) There is a severe lack of consistency in your life, unless you count being consistently inconsistent.  You should pick one thing that you won’t be able to waffle on and work from there. Leo (July 23 – August 22) You were thinking about joining Slackers Anonymous and you got distracted by the big blue E on your computer’s desktop.  This is just another example of what we were talking about. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Your time in front of the television screen has proven one thing.  You are as good at video games as you are at living your life.  Really.  What kind of person does it take to run out of infinite lives?  You are about to become our pet project. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Seriously.  Trying to figure out whether you want scrambled or fried eggs isn’t that hard a decision, but you wasted half that Waffle House waitress’ day and you finally gave up and ordered a cheeseburger.  MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY!!! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Today is a carbon copy of yesterday, only with a higher chance of rain… which increases the need to stay inside!!! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) You will face a stiff challenge today that will leave you frustrated. We would tell you to be yourself, but that would just be bad advice.  Think of how someone else would handle the situation and try to emulate that behavior.]]]]> ]]>