Horoscopes for September 30, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Act giddy.  It will completely throw people off the fact that you are absolutely miserable. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Every time you open your mouth, you say something that makes you appear to be completely insane.  Better to be quiet and be safe.  You never have anything that important to say anyway. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) You will realize that all of your hopes will melt away.  You should reconsider carving ice sculptures in the Mississippi summer. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) No matter what you do, you will not be able to escape the feeling that you are being followed.  You are correct to have the feeling.  There is a long trail of army ants trying to get to your sandwich. Aries (March 21 – April 19) People will be quick to criticize you today.  Be the bigger person and kill them with kindness… no matter how sarcastic you have to make it sound. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) When the going gets tough, the tough get going.  This means that you plow through the tough spots, not go to your “safe place” and call your mommy.  Grow up already! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Find a way to make your voice heard, even if this means you have to jump on a table and yell to the top of your lungs.  People may think that you’re crazy, but they’ll respect your dedication. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You will try your best.  You will fail.  You will give the bunny some Trix.    Cryptic enough for ya? Leo (July 23 – August 22) The eagle will land in a big way today. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) You can’t trust your judgment today.  Ask random strangers what you should do in every situation you find yourself in.  Let your waitress pick your meals! Libra (September 23 – October 22) No matter how bad you want to give in to temptation, DON’T!!!  You will feel worse than that time you wore your grandmother’s dress to that high school party! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Freedom will be yours today.  Freedom from getting up at 5 am to punch a clock.  Hmmm… Didn’t know that pink slips were actually pink, did ya? Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The more you try to fit in, the more you will stick out like a sore thumb.]]]]> ]]>