If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Who cares… It’s LABOR DAY and everybody’s off work and out of school… well… not everybody, but there are lots of people who ARE off and they’re thankful for it!Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You should think about booking two airline seats to accommodate that large posterior. You could get kicked off a plane.Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Don’t you wish there was a convenience store that would deliver things to your house. Isn’t that the definition of convenience.Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Through the course of this day you will have an idea that will make teletransportation possible. Unfortunately you’ll forget it while you’re on the toilet.Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will spend a portion of your day having the police searching through the contents of your car. You could have saved yourself lots of time and trouble by just cleaning the darned thing out.Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your course in life will change when you have a revelation that you’ve been living in the past and not living for the future. The problem is, you have a very limited future because of your expansive past. Good luck trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel!Gemini (May 21 – June 20) The phrase sharpen your focus does not mean rubbing a whetstone on your eye. Contact us when you get out of the hospital.Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You will be grumpy all day long. Blame it on the weather. Most people will buy it, but there are some that will know it’s just that time of the month.Leo (July 23 – August 22) Bring everything you’ve got to the day. You’re gonna need it.Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Today will be a good day to wear baggy clothes. It will keep people from commenting on your larger than normal portliness.Libra (September 23 – October 22) Keep your eyes open and your mouth shut and you’ll do well today. We know that the latter will be difficult and challenging, but try it. You will find it rewarding if you’re able to accomplish the feat.Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Gobbling up everything on your plate is why you are the way you are. Why not try slowing down the pace and you’ll start pushing away from the table instead of bellying up to it.Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Your friends will begin to worry about you when you disappear into the bathroom for more than two hours. Funny… they will begin to worry, but won’t come to check on you.]]]]> ]]>See a typo? Report it here.