Horoscopes for September 6, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!   Just stay in bed today and tell your boss that you got confused and thought you had 2 days off for Labor Day. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Nobody will ever believe what you did last night! We were there and we hardly believe it ourselves. You have outdone yourself. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Remember an hour ago you told your kids it was time to go? No? Didn’t think so. They have been waiting in the car for you. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) Do not kill your friends for telling you how much fun they had last night. You never want to go, so they didn’t bother inviting you. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Your life is not an episode of Glee. Nobody is enjoying your complete mutilation of Don’t Stop Believing. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You know your fashion sense is a little off when Lady Gaga would look at you and wonder how you got up the courage to wear what you have on. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Sure you can stand there all day, flipping the light switch on and off. That is guaranteed to make the power come back on faster. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) No amount of Febreeze is going to cover the smell of defeat and moldy gym socks. Leo (July 23 – August 22) When people ask how you are doing, they are just being nice. A complete list of your menagerie of random diseases is not necessary. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Burning Down the House is a song, not a status update. Make sure you make the distinction before admitting your guilt. Libra (September 23 – October 22) Only fools rush in. You should knock first. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) You will find yourself alone, in a dark room, wondering, “Is this how 8 tracks feel?” Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Your brain will erupt in flames later today when you are told to expect the unexpected. The internal monologue will go something like this: Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make it then the expected, which then makes everything expected which then means the expected never really existed?]]]]> ]]>