Horoscopes for September 8, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!   Take up gardening.  You might find some treasure in your yard, which will be much better than this day will go for you. Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Press 1 for English.  Repeatedly.  Oh… sorry.  You, like us, will be stuck on the phone for a while today.  Hope you aren’t dealing with a “Peggy” of your own. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) The cook at the restaurant you were planning on eating at has a cold, is sneezing a lot and did not call in to work because all seven of his kids are sick.  Make plans to go elsewhere. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You will feel like one of the Goombas from the Super Mario Brothers game today.  You’ll be making lots of lateral moves and getting stepped on by people who think that they’re better than you. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Don’t be glib today.  It would be a terrible mistake.  If you don’t know what glib means, you’re in worse shape than we thought.  Look it up, and make sure that you avoid that behavior. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Visiting the sites that you visit on your work computer may just get you in a whole bunch of trouble… especially now that your boss can check up on you remotely. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Jimmy cracks corn.  Do you care?  The answer is NO…. You don’t care about anybody but yourself.. at least that’s what your significant other thinks about you right now.  It’s time to do some sucking up! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Expect the worst.  You’ll be pleasantly surprised if you do. Leo (July 23 – August 22) There are stains in your underwear and they’re beginning to rub off on your outerwear! Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Jobs can be found just about anywhere.  Look.  The bums in NYC keep a bottle of Windex and towels handy so they can make money.  That’s the core of “small business!”  If  you can’t find a job.  MAKE ONE! Libra (September 23 – October 22) Call in to work today.  Tell the boss you’re suffering from Net-Lag.   That’s the condition caused by spending all night surfing the web and not getting any rest.  Your boss does not know that term… yet. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) (…continued from yesterday…) third rock on the eastern side of the waterfall at Mint Spring.  Good luck finding it. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Today is a great day to check out Conan the Barbarian at Wilcox Theatres in the Vicksburg Mall…. as a matter of fact… if you don’t see it today, you’ll have to wait for PPV or DVD!]]]]> ]]>