Horroscopes for March 29, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday! Eat your cake with wild abandon!  We bought you a pair of elastic waist pants for your birthday! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) In a moment of weakness, you’ll give in to your darkest desires.  Next time you throw that bottle of chocolate in the garbage, make sure you take the trash to the dumpster. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Once in a while you have to give in and be a kid.  Time to show the neighborhood kids what a true beanie is! Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You tend to be drawn to old fashioned things.  We understand that, but that thing you bought to wear to your reunion is not cute… not cute in the least! Aries (March 21 – April 19) No matter how much you beg and plead, we won’ t tell you what the secret is. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) A strange incident will require you to know one key piece of information.  Righty-Tighty, Lefty-Loosey.   That’s it.  This phrase should ensure that you read the horoscopes tomorrow. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Moths and butterflies are different.  While some moths may be beautiful, they’re destructive creatures by nature.  Butterflies, on the other hand, are generally beautiful and work to make the entire world a better place.  You’ve been hanging around too many moths lately.  In this one instance, maybe you should wear moth balls and see if it helps to keep them at bay… and, who knows, maybe some butterfly will get past the smell.  The moths got past your smell before. It could happen. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) After hearing a moving story on the news, you will rush our to buy a pet goat.  This is a bad move that will land you on the couch for a month.  Good thing it’s a really cute goat! Leo (July 23 – August 22) A little birdie told us a lot about you. Actually it was a big bird with a really big mouth who just wouldn’t shut up, but that’s irrelevant.  What we want to know is…  How does this bird know so much? Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Gather these supplies and meet us in the back yard at 4:20 p.m. – 2 rubber bands, a large roll of plastic wrap (not the cheap kind), and 2 jelly donuts…  it’s a matter of life and death… Libra (September 23 – October 22) If something seems too good to be true, is won’t be true – not for you – maybe for someone else, but definitely not for you! Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Destiny has a way of jumping up and biting you on the bum when you least expect it.  In other words – It’s a dog eat dog world and you’re wearing Milk Bone® underwear! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Spring is in the air.  No… wait…  It’s pollen, mixed with ragweed.   Bless you! Gesundheit!]]]]> ]]>