Restaurant review – Walnut Hills, by Bethany Claire Johnson

When I went back to work this week, it was my boss’ birthday. We all sang him happy birthday, and one of my coworkers bought a sheet cake for him and the rest of our team.

She really has a generous heart and is thoughtful of others.

However, not everybody matched her energy on that day. Within 20 minutes the entire cake was gone and almost half of the team didn’t get any cake. I don’t even like chocolate cake, but it was my first day back and hearing how upset my buddies were about not getting cake had me feeling some type of way. I am fueled exclusively by spite and caffeine, so I decided to take action.

I called Walnut Hills, and boy am I glad that I did. I ordered an entire cake exclusively for everybody that didn’t get one.

The woman who answered was an angel. She repeated every cake flavor they had probably 13 times because I was trying to get everybody’s vote. We settled on a strawberry crunch cake, with no knowledge of what was in it. I thank the woman, tell her my fiancé will pick it up, and she assures me she will not tell him I paid for the cake.

The cake arrives and oh my god. Everybody immediately flocks to my station to admire this work of art. I heard a grown man’s mouth water and say, “are those crushed vanilla Oreos on top?”

I told everybody to wait before they ate so I could grab my phone for a picture. I was gone less than 5 minutes and by the time I got back there were roughly 10 adults standing in line with plates like children at a birthday party, all wide-eyed and heavy breathing. The photo had to wait, otherwise we were risking mutiny within the company.

When I start cutting into the mystery cake, I meet resistance. Everybody starts going berserk. We’ve realize the middle layer of the cake is cheesecake. We went absolutely feral. This was all that was left of this entire cake after maybe 10 minutes of it arriving.

Now whoever made this cake put their foot in it. The icing was crusted with crushed Oreos and strawberries that had my coworkers moaning and standing around this cake in a circle like some type of cult meeting. After eating this cake, I could see everybody’s entire aura shift. One bite of the strawberries baked into the cake, and my coworker called his ex-wife to make amends. The white chocolate between the layers reversed our aging process by 10 years.

I do not like cheesecake! But the middle layer complimented the white chocolate and the cake so well that I was scraping cheesecake memories, not residue because there was none left, off the box! That crunch from the Oreo cake made me cancel my appointment with the chiropractor. In fact, every time I need an alignment I think instead I’ll just buy an entire strawberry crunch cake from Walnut Hills instead! I think the temperature outside dropped 10 degrees after we had that cake. We opened up an entire new branch of the business in another city after eating this cake!

Walnut Hills really outdid themselves, and I’m surprised big pharma hasn’t come to Walnut Hills to make some regulations for this cake, considering all the ailments it alleviates.

I highly recommend Walnut Hills cakes for anybody looking to satiate a sweet tooth, or just become a better person in general.

10/10 stars, will be selling my left arm in order to fund my newfound cake addiction.