Horoscopes for March 24, 2011

If today is your birthday: It’s your birthday!  Celebrate by having dinner with all your friends at El Sombrero.  Pay no attention at all to the stares and whispers about you being seated alone with 20 stuffed animals.  They’re just jealous! Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) You will have to divide yourself between 40 different things today… literally. Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) Today will run like a machine that hasn’t been oiled since the Industrial Revolution. Your day would go much better if you were floured, battered and deep-fried. Pisces (February 19 – March 20) There is no crying in football. It’s a good thing for you that football season is over. Here. Have a tissue. Aries (March 21 – April 19) You will make a big language mistake involving the incorrect usage of the word Touché Taurus (April 20 – May 20) It’s time to make a change in your life. Quit your job and sell all your stuff. Buy yourself a Volkswagen bus and become a traveling gypsy. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Surf’s Up!!! You will surf a wave of rumors and innuendo. A wipe-out could prove to be the talk of the town! Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Time to buck up! In your attempt to get the best honey, you’ll be stung a few hundred times. Keep the epinephrine handy… you’ll be needing it. (This should not be taken literally – it’s a metaphor. Your dose of epinephrine may actually be an RC Cola and a Moon Pie… but… if you’re actually trying to get honey… it may actually be epinephrine!) Leo (July 23 – August 22) You’ll be driven to your wit’s end today. Good thing for you, it won’t be a long trip. Virgo (August 23 – September 22) To run at maximum efficiency today, you will need to nap for 1.24 hours before noon. Any variation from this time, be it longer or shorter, will be disastrous. Libra (September 23 – October 22) You will develop an aversion to scented candles.  There’s nothing wrong with your nose.  One of your friends replaced all of your candles with prank candles that smell like cow patties. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) When faced with a difficult choice you should throw yourself on the floor and throw a fit. Someone else will rush in and make the choice for you because you’re a big baby! Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) Just when you’ve gotten comfortable and confident with your gaming skills….. Check mate. You lose!]]]]> ]]>